I think I just saw someone hide a body.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize