Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
