The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize