i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
