i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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