I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize