I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
