If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
