i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
