my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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