How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
