She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
