her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
that may or may not have been my penis.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize