im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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