All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
