i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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