lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
