Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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