Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
