shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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