i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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