wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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