apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
