I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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