you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
