If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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