I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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