Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
