He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
