my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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