you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
