cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
