Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
