I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
