Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
