I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
