glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
