My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
