At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
