Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
