we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
