I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize