In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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