grandma shit on top of the toilet
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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