He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
