tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
