Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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