Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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