I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
