1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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