That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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