Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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