He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
