i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The Olympian is in my bed
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
